Heavy!

Be warned: whatever I am going to blabber is unusually heavy for this blog. People not used to such heaviness are advised to read it with utmost caution and aspirin by their side.

Contemplative is the word that describes me today..trying to recall how far I have come in the last 15 years or so. Have been thinking about the extremes that I have seen in my life.. thinking how bigdealness of things have changed with time..how the next 10 yrs of my life are never going to be as carefree as the last 10..how deep inside a ghar-ka-roti-sabzi makes me much more happier and content than halibut or raviolli..how I really want to re-live my college days again without changing a single high or a low moment.. how I really liked that small-town internet-less cellphone-less upbringing that I had..how lucky I have been to be where I am.. how people back in my ancestral place are still struggling for survival.

Every experience, positive or negative, has subconsciously made me the person that I am today. I transitioned from a shy timid 12 yr old to a fearless brutally honest adult..without even knowing that I am consciously *trying* to do that. Office, friends, family..I say it the way I see it with minimal sugarcoating. My experiences have taught me that nothing is a disaster as long as there is life; everything is a learning experience. Easier said, I know. I ll elaborate further with a simple and small example: 10 years back, I had failed to clear IIT JEE in my first attempt. At that time, it was like the end of the world for me. Complete halt. That was my first major 'failure'. I didnt realise it then but now I see how much of a leveller it was. That experience grounded me and brought me back to reality. My misplaced ego was put to check. Maybe subconsciously I was getting tougher. The process of toughening up to adversities had started then. I had tasted failure. I had nothing to lose. When people operate with no fear or expectations of failure or embarassment, they never come a cropper. I eventually cleared IIT JEE in my next attempt. The success tasted much sweeter. And this time, it was humbling.

Another example: 11 yrs back I had a big crush on a girl (just to let you know..in those days, my crushes used to be once-in-a-while thingie..geeky me!). Suddenly one day I found that she had left to study at dps rkpuram. With no internet, no phone, nothing, I was shocked to say the least. So many things left unsaid. Looking back, I laugh it off as just a small event in the bigger scheme of things. But it was not so at the time. Maybe that again was one of the toughening-up experiences given the crucial time I was in. I didnt see it then. I see it now. My obsession was such that had she not left, I would have wasted my whole of class 12th (and no, it wasnt filmy but very strongly teenagerish). and my ambitious side would have been sidelined. But she left, and after a month or so of wtf-ing, I moved on. Since this happened at a very crucial stage of my academic life, ,that was good for me. I wont call it a life changing event but teenage crushes can be strong and I have seen careers going haywire by what I refer to as cute-obsessive-syndrome. I wouldnt have reached where I am, had such distractive obsession persisted. Like Steve Jobs says, looking back, dots always connect. Ever since, there have been crushes and dates but my ambitious side has *never* taken a backseat. A lesson that I was lucky to learn pretty early in my life.

Another anecdote: it was my final year during undergrad. The best company at the time was in campus to hire 2 petroleum engg undergrads based on their gpa ( top 2 as per their tradition). I had no chance, I assumed. I was ranked 4th and had hardly prepared for the interviews. Generally, I am not good in interviews (sidenote: I was once asked to sing in an interview. I messed up the song. Rejected.) But that day, I literally thought WTF..I ll take them head on. And this is no exaggeration. I really went inside feeling as fearless as I have ever been. I fearlessly said "I dont know" to answers that I didnt know and confidently gave my replies with a 'Thats me. Like me or leave me" attitude. And not once did I do this to seek their approval. I did it b/c I had no fear of rejection at that time. None. Zip. Much to my surprise, they changed their mind and hired 3 instead of 2. I still feel such fearlessness time and again.

I have consciously limited my examples to academic and 'crushes' to make it more relatable. A lesson was disguised in all these rejections/failures - a lesson that stripped me of my misplaced ego and fear. As long as there is life, nothing is a disaster..everything is a learning experience.